Louise Landes Levi

X A Passionate Love Affair Was it my fault that X was raped by his mother when yet a boy? I didn’t make this up. First the Romanian pyschic on Riverton Street told me, then the elderly really straight pyschic, (who looked like someone’s father or even professor) in Florence, on via della ______ & finally, I am sorry to say, I saw this with my own eyes. I saw this in ‘visions’ much too precise to be invented, like single frame shots of a film you never wanted to see. There was no intercourse said the pyschic on Riverton Street, he was too small. One day you’re in Marin County. You have a vision but it’s not about celestial beings. Your friend is sucking off his mother. He’s wearing a white shirt & blue shorts, a typical uniform for a boy, his age, 3 or 4. Next you see it all from his point of view. A big woman with a large face, contorted & strangely pale, is all over him, oral sex w. a 4 year old. You see it as if it’s happening to you but you’re him. After that you don’t think this might have happened, you’ve seen it, it happened. X & you make love sometimes, sometimes you don’t. For him, it’s not natural. By playing w. his dick & forcing him to suck her off & other things as well, according to the psychic, X got unnaturally bonded w. his mother. Later he cldn’t let go of her at all. But cldn’t stand her either. He saw her everywhere X can’t trust himself w. anyone. He loses himself in contact w. others, sexual rapture for him wld. be to consumate the love w. his mother. Small children experience the same bliss & gratification through sexual contact as ‘grown ups’. Romantic love failed X. His path didn’t correspond w. the easy way out. X had to retread the cloak of his lost sensibility.He had to finish what he began as a child. His mother was possessing him. She wanted him back. X was pure. To fuck anyone but his mother wld. be a sacrilege. He felt uncomfortable. Always longing for her soft cunt. So one day he crawled into his mother’s bed where at long last he felt sexual release. He felt secure, as if he belonged, whereas w. all his other ‘girl friends’ (women he wld. fuck because he cldn’t refuse them or because he didn’t like them or because he wanted to be sure he was a cunt sort of guy & not a dick sort of guy, like forget abt. his early childhood experience, but not the major one). He hung out in the city then went home to mother, ever more anxious to put his tongue in her mouth, to direct her frail sexual energy into her third eye, so she cld. die consciously when that sad day came, to feel the weight of her familiar body, to fuck her to sweet death so he cld. repay her for the damage she had done to him as a child. This damage was not without warmth & sexual current. But what cld. he do, he was too small to do anything, much. He cld. suck, feel, put his tongue against her little mound, or big mound to his 4 yrs. old mouth, but she wasn’t satisfied. She made him feel like he was doing it all wrong, LIKE HE WASN’T WORTHY’. My reader may inquire where was X’s father? Alas, he was in the grave. That is why X’s mother was so upset. Or maybe she was upset by her childhood, her childhood in the convents of So. France, always hiding fr. the SS, always fleeing fr. the SS, When her husband died, she had to find a new husband, a new source of gratification. But where? X was convenient. He was small & wld. not be noticed by the neighbors.. Besides he was handsome. X’s father. was an incessant worker. Was his mother frustrated. What made her commit this strange act. Did she think a younger man a child wld work less & be more accessible. or did she want CONTROL? This strange bonding was very injurious to X’s development. He became obsessed w. his mother, but not like other children. He cld. not separate fr her . His autonomy was crushed, he was hers & he hated her. When sexual activity began in puberty, it is not astonishing that all the early experiences were w. boys. Even the sacred experiences, later, w. a group that studied Aleister Crowley. X finally cld. develop the relation he began in the woods w. his best Jewish friend & w. the man who picked him up on the way to the library, but when a ‘woman’ came on the scene when the sacred duet became a trio, X. split. He wanted to know male love, to master male love, to invite a woman, even a beautiful woman, freaked X. out. X was totally passive. He cld. not approach woman. So he waited. & sometimes manipulated women into seductive situations, so he cld. feel he was being seduced when actually he was the seducer. He did not understand his own passivity & often lay on the floor of his room for hours. The reader can understand why at a certain point X stopped fighting the situation. His passionate affair w. his mother went on until her sad demise. Death was her final sexual experience. X felt an enormous relief to no longer have to sleep in her bed & enact the rites of love but as long as she was alive, X knew, for a fact, that by approaching ANY other woman, he was breaking his mother’s heart, he was endangering her health. She needed him. She needed to bury her little head in his genitals & to suck at his cock so all his energy cld. flow into HER. Gradually X lost all his power. He cldn’t go to the cinema,he cldn’t engage in flirtations, seductive activity that even when unsuccessful adds such joy to the process of day to day living, he couldn’t practice his music, all he cld. do was go home at night & suck his mothers breast, & put his hand up her slit, & try to find the place where he came from, perhaps to redo what had already been done. One day he crawled into that hole & no one ever saw him again His own mother missed him. Hardly had the pleasures of his youth been restored to her, when he was no more. Little did she suspect, distracted & seeking everywhere in the house, although she took care to Never go out of the house, unless it was to worship at the place of worship, across the street. Little did she know X had finally Come, home.

Louise Landes Levi, poet, traveler, translator, & musician.
USA - Played in Daniel Moore's Floating Lotus Opera
Company, then Eastward to India, studied music

in Bombay, National Center for Performing Art,
& private instruction, continued at Conservatory of
Music, Basel, & Al Akbar Khan College of music in San Rafael, California.

The above piece is Chapter 2 from A Spiritual Autobiography. 
 
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